I just finished Rachel Bertsche's new book, MWF Seeking BFF: My Yearlong Search for a New Best Friend. It's about her year-long search to find a best friend by having weekly friend dates with a new potential buddy. She was especially looking for a best friend, but I think anyone can relate to the need to find a few new friends.
One of the things that stood out for me was how honest she was when it came to admitting that she was tired. She was tired of putting in the time for "new friend" chats sometimes, and especially tired that she had to always be the one to contact people to hang out. I've felt like this a time or two myself, haven't you? I agree, it's exhausting. I seem to be the one to "plan" things, which means that I'm often the one contacting people. There was once a time when I would just figure that people weren't interested in me if I had to be the one to suggest an event or lunch. But I've learned that this isn't true.
Why then, do you have to be the one to ask people to do things? Sometimes it depends on how new your friendship is. When I first noticed that I was doing the initiating a lot with people it was because both my best pals had moved to different (and opposite) parts of the country, and after they were gone, I realized they were the ones who were the "plan makers." I missed their frequent, "Hey, what are you to?" calls where they would suggest something and then we'd hang out. Instead, I needed to get out of my shell a bit more (always a struggle for me) and call up people.
Eventually, I think, it evens out. Although even today, I end up making plans a lot more than my friends seem to. Just a few months ago, I felt as if a couple of our friends weren't interested in hanging out with my husband and me. We usually try out new restaurants in town, and I was usually the one to say, "Hey, wanna meet us for dinner?" Well, I stopped doing it for a while, but then I figured that was dumb. If they didn't want to meet us, they'd just say no. So I called them up again and this time (since it had been awhile) they said, "Oh good! We were wondering what happened to you. You usually call us for dinner, and we were thinking you were sick of us." LOL! Isn't it funny how we all have our own insecurities? I still wonder why they don't initiate the call to suggest something, but that's been the way our friendship has gone, and obviously they are good with it.
I think with friendship it just works out that way. Maybe people are busy, maybe they think you're busy, and unless you reach out you don't see your friend. It can be tough if you're the one always doing the asking, and I liked the fact that Bertsche mentioned that frustration in her book. (Read my review of MWF Seeking BFF: My Yearlong Search for a New Best Friend.)
This was a big reminder for me to be more proactive about my friendships! I posted on my blog about how I’ve been seeking out friendships lately, but once the friendships have been established, I’m not great about maintaining them–especially with so much going on these days. I’m glad I read this. Thank you again!
You’re welcome! I don’t think we can talk about this enough, because it’s something I keep hearing from people. New friendships are hard, and you might get tired, but they are worth it once they get established, as you said. Good luck, Molly! Sounds like you’ve got the right attitude.